The Great Indian Hero

Bollywood, Kollywood, Tollywood, Mollywood, Sandalwood and many other woods present in India... The environmentalists and the tree huggers can have a sigh of relief, I am not talking about real trees but the varied Indian film industries from north to the south... Talkies aka Cinemas aka Movies are in our blood and veins...

We are the only country where we worship our actors and idolize them as role models... Pick a school child in random and ask him what he wants to be he would say I wanna be like SRK or any one of those Ridiculous Khans...

Speaking of the Ridiculous Khans, in spite of being varied in the way we make our movies the woods have one special entity in common... One common characteristic that connects all these woods, again the tree huggers can take a sigh of relief we are not gonna cut down trees to connect any woods...

This one common speck of entity connecting the woods is the GREAT INDIAN HERO...

Ohhh Hell yeah we are talking now... Any Indian movie script compulsorily must and I stress MUST have a hero in it... All the Indian script writers have a common template to their movies... This is an excerpt of one such script... :)

Movie always starts off with Hero introduction... Saves someone mostly the heroine or her cousin sister or her uncles friend or her step mothers grand daughter... Irrespective of whom he saves which is irrelevant the hero says I HAVE A PLAN... Next scene he goes in alone and throws people here and there and the introduction is over...

Second part of the movie is where he falls in love with the heroine or vice versa happens... he asks his friends for suggestions tips and tricks to woo the girl but at the end of the day he says I HAVE A PLAN... Next scene he goes alone and woos the girl with all the charm in the world and the girl falls like SUPERMAN to a stone of kryptonite..

Third and usually the final part where the super villain grabs the heroine and has the entire world as hostage at some super secret location which is reachable by an hrs drive from the hero's house... Again the Hero says I HAVE A PLAN... well for the umpteenth time the next scene he goes out alone without caring for his own life with unlimited ammo in one cartridge of a clay made AK-47 that looks like a tommy gun with roll caps... Well as for always the GREAT INDIAN HERO saves the day and rescues everyone from the baddies...

And we all lived happily every after... :)

Until then signing off with the GREAT INDIAN HERO who keeps the streets of India safe from baddies... :)

Cheers till next time... :)

Ten things I hate about you: The Mindless Driver

Top ten things I hate about Mindless car drivers..... :)

1. I hate the way you drive slow on the fast lane... and the way you cut lanes....
2. Hate the way you jump signals...
3. I hate it when you honk...
4. I hate your large dumb high beams...
5. I hate your attitude so much that it makes me puke...
6. I hate it when you make a mistake and hate the way you think you are always right...
7. Hate it when you park, especially on a curve and think people can fly over you...
8. Hate it when you don't give me way...
9. Hate you more when you just put the person behind you in trouble and drive away like nothing happened...
10. Most of all I hate you for buying a car, when you should have just taken a bus...

Nevertheless I Hate you for hating me the same way I hate you..... :)

Day to Day Survival Strategy

Every day we deal with people, this poses the greatest challenge to one's character and his ability to cope with LIFE on a daily basis..

There are two kinds of people we generally meet the The GOOD and The BAD... The GOOD generally do good deeds so we don't need to worry much about them, whereas the BAD one's generally get on your nerve so they need to be dealt with...

Now generally speaking there are two kinds of BAD people... the one's who ungli themselves and the one's who ungli others... The one's that ungli themselves are self destructive elements so we don't need to worry much about them, whereas the one's who ungli us generally get on your nerve so they need to be dealt with...

 The one's who ungli us can be of two kinds one with long fingers and other with small fingers... the one's with the small fingers wont be able to hurt your pubic hairs also so u generally don't have to worry about them, whereas the one's with the long fingers generally get on your nerve so they need to be dealt with...

Now the one's with the long fingers can be of two types generally...  the genetic freaks and the non genetic freaks... the genetic freaks are all the one's with the manufacturing defect so nothing can be done about them they will be the same forever, whereas the non genetic freaks generally get on your nerve so they need to be dealt with...

That gives us the BAD UNGLI-ing LONG FINGERED NON GENETIC FREAKS... this infinitesimally narrow minded group of self righteous jackasses are the one's whom we generally need to deal with on a daily day to day basis... Statistically speaking this is a group of narcissistic, people loathing bunch of jerks... As the management strategy goes figuring out the problem is 75% of your solution. We now know what your issue is and what exact group of people cause major problems in your life..

We now can isolate this group of problem causing people this has solved 75% of your problems... now comes the solution part... we have two solutions or rather two ways to go about it or philosophically speaking this is your fork in the road... We can either choose to fight fire with fire and become BAD UNGLI-ing LONG FINGERED NON GENETIC FREAKS in their lives and get your hands dirty which is actually unhygienic and uncouth...

While we have another way to go about doing things... Assume you are in the matrix and these group of people are those people that are in the matrix and you are Neo the one who understands the reality, and in your reality these people don't really hold any value and they are merely a figment of your imagination... they are so small that they don't even deserve a Kilobyte of your memory space in your brain...

Finally Its not about Forgive and Forget, it's about not accepting that such people even exist... Keep smiling whatever happens... (",)

The Humping laws... :)

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE... Do not get deceived or start fantasizing after reading the title, You people must understand that no obscenity will be entertained on this blog in any form... So without much further ado what am I here to write about...

Well from ages of research and investigation here are my findings about how, why and where do the BBMP(Bruhat Bengaluru Mahanagara palike) guys put humps and make their roads... Before we go into the details of the study I would like to describe what is a hump and different kinds of humps that can be found on the road... Humps are basically designed to slow down and oncoming vehicle...

The word hump is basically derived from hump of a camel since it is shaped similarly... Now other than the traditional humps there are 2 other kinds of humps that can be found on the road one is the Speed cushions and the flat top humps... I call them the speed cushions THE RATTLERS and i call the the flat top humps THE FLIERS... So enough of this gyan lets go to the main gyan at hand...

So following are the rules they follow to make those dreadful HUMPS,

Whenever the contractor fights with his wife he adds a HUMP... The number of HUMPS are directly proportional to the intensity of the fight and the type of HUMP depends on the Universal Humping constant H...

Every other time the contractor sees a Software engineer on the road the contractor lays down a HUMP in his memory, Therefore the number of HUMPS is actually equal to the number of software engineers in Bangalore. The point to be noted here is the HUMPS laid for a software engineer is always a FLIER as software engineers always search for a platform to take off from.

The contractor being a big sandalwood fan every time there is a flop movie that comes out he lays down a HUMP in memory of the producer who has gone bust... Hence the number of HUMPS is directly proportional to the number of dead, suicidal, bust producers of Kannada movies.

So that concludes my HUMPING laws.... Happy and Safe HUMPING... :D

Emotional Atyachar...

So the producers of one of Indian television channels sat down one day and decided they need to do something out of the box and after much contemplation and discussion they decided to start this show called Emotional Atyachar... For those who don't watch this show (includes me too) the concept of this show is to test the loyalty of your partner on national TV... :)

This is how it works, the case is introduced by one of the partners to the Television guys... The person who is being tested is the suspect... Its usually the guy who is the suspect here most of the times because they are the least self righteous of the all and they wanted to prove that the woman's quota bill needs a push...

So one of them thinks the guy is having an affair its either the insecure stupid girl(ISG) or her friend or the guys friend or guys brother or guys sister or the guys neighbor or the guys milk man or the guys whatever... They go to the TV channel who are much obliged for their TRP ratings that they will get, they play the sleuths and put in a hot young model or two who is the Emotional atyachar agent into this guys life...

So with cameras and mics in place the games of emotional atyachar begin...

Day 1
Our suspect goes to have coffee, where he gets wooed down by the hot young model...
Hot young model: Hey how are u??
Suspect: I am fine, what about u??
Hot young model: I am fine... So why don't u take down my number and gimme a call sometime...
Suspect: (thank u god) Sure if u insist..

Day 2
Hot young model calls suspect on his phone.. Tring Tring Tring.. Suspect is all excited about her call (thank u again god)..
Suspect: Hey hi, I was just thinking of u and u called.. What a coincidence...
Hot young model: I was thinking of u too which is why i called u.. Shall we party tonight...
Suspect: (of course) ya ya sure we can...
Hot young model: ok meet me tonight at 7pm...
Suspect: (This is awesome) I shall meet u there at 7pm(in fact i will be waiting there from 6 itself)..

6 PM Suspect is already waiting there for the Hot young model.... All this is being recorded by the super intelligent sleuths of Emotional atyachar...
7 PM Hot young model arrives..
Suspect: hey i was waiting for u.... u looking nice by the way...
Hot young model: thank u so much.. chalo then lets go inside and have a drink and dance a little...
Suspect:(why do u think i am waiting from an hour f0r) sure sure come lets go inside...

After a few drinks.... Rather after the Hot young model got the suspect drunk totally...

Hot young model: Shall we go to my place... I can drive u are too drunk...
Suspect: Sure.. hic hic..

After reaching home the Hot young model spins her web of intimacy over an inebriated idiot who cant make out a thing... After some intimate moments that have been recorded by this secret camera in the room its time for the big showdown... Its time for the ISG to confront the Suspect...

So our suspect is lying down on the Hot young model's lap when the camera crew storm into the room explaining him everything... All the alcohol in the suspects head wears off and he is dumbstruck and doesn't know what exactly to tell...

So is our ISG she is also dumbstruck and stands in awe after seeing the suspect get up from the Hot young model's laps... She is totally furious and walks down and slaps the anchor of the show...

Anchor: Why did u slap me.. I helped u find out how loyal ur boy friend was.
ISG: U helped my beep.. beep beep beeeppp.. beep beep... beep beep beep.. beep beep beeppp..

After some audio enhancements they actually found something else between the beeps... This is exclusively for your viewing... But catch you after the break...

So after the break the show comes back on air, with the whole Indian junta sitting on the edge of their seats to find out what happened... So here is the exclusive footage of what ISG actually said... VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED...

ISG: u helped my aaa beep... u baa beep this is not my boy friend at all... i broke up with this ass beep last week... i wanted u to do a loyalty test on my latest boy friend... i dumped his aaa beep for the new one...

Anchor: Damn why did i have to be the anchor to this show...
Suspect: Ah what a evening it was... This is the best break up i have ever had...
ISG: All guys are the same...
Hot young model: who's next...
Producer: Wow TRP rating increases if the anchor gets slapped... :)


To all those idiots who empower today's crappy media .!.. ..!.

Others have a good weekend guys... :)